Not my will...

Picture this: You have been planning a party for weeks. Everything has been planned out perfectly and you know exactly how you want it to be. Lists and graphs have been made indicating where the tables should go, how much punch you need, how the decorations will be arranged, and the order of events (entertainment, speeches, games, etc.). You have a notebook completely filled with little scribblings and you are serenely confident that this party will be absolutely "perfect".

The day of the party arrives. You have enlisted several people to help you get everything ready before the guests arrive. As you begin to go down your lists and graphs that indicate how things are to be placed, one of your helpers (who has planned a lot of parties) interrupts you.

"You know, I think it would be better if we put this here."

You're a little annoyed at this because, after all, you've been planning this out for weeks. But, after a little thought you realize that her idea is better than your initial plan and so you agree.

A few minutes later you leave the room to get something. When you return you find that the tables have been set up and the decorations are being put in places that do not correspond with the graph that you so carefully plotted out.

A small sense of panic begins to rise in your stomach.

"Did I not give you the graph?" you anxiously ask.

The same helper turns and says, "Oh yes, but it just seems to work better this way. See how much more room we have?"

As you look about the room you see that it does look better than the way you graphed it, but this doesn't make you feel better. That sense of panic becomes frustration. What right does she have to change things? After all, this is your party! You planned it, you arranged it, and things should be done the way you want them done! What difference does it make whether or not her ideas are better? It's your party!

In an effort to be polite, you swallow your frustration and carry on with the preparations. However, before you know it, this person has completely taken over your party. She begins to give the instructions and she also begins to change the order of events that you so carefully planned out.

Before you know it the party is over and all the guests are gone. You just sit there and reflect on the whole incident. This was your party, but really it wasn't. This other person had completely taken over and it became her party. She didn't really ruin your party, she just changed your plans to meet with her ideal. In reality, her ideas were very good, even better than yours, but that is beside the point. Did she not know how hard you worked? How dare she?

You keep mulling these things over and over reminding yourself of how hard you worked how perfect it was all going to be and how wrong she was to take it away from you. The more you think about it, the angrier you become. The angrier you become the more you resolve to distance yourself from this person and a friendship is lost.

Does this sound familiar? We've all experienced something like this whether it be a party or something else. We all know what it's like to be excited about plans that you've made and then to have something happen that completely changes them. We've all felt that knot that finds it's way into our stomachs every time something doesn't go the way we want it to.

We've all felt that anger and indignation rise within us whenever we don't get what we want. Maybe you were right in the middle of something that you felt was important and your mother called for you to do the dishes or to take care of the baby. Maybe you had your heart set on going somewhere with a group of friends and your dad said you couldn't go. Maybe we know what we want God to do for us and He says, "No, I have a better way."

We don't like it. We want things done the way we want them, how we want them, and when we want them. But what if someone says no? What if God says no? What do we do? Our willful nature's first instinct is to get angry, throw a fit, and then distance ourselves from every figure of authority that says "No".

There is a book that was written in 1850 by Harvey Newcomb entitled How To Be a Lady. In it he addresses the will and the education of it to be that which befits a young lady of godly character. Here is a excerpt:

"The way to educate the will is to accustom it to submit to the dictates of conscience. The will, in our fallen and depraved state, is turbulent and unsubmissive. It is not disposed to submit to the law of God, nor to those whom God has set over us. Yet there is nothing of more importance to our happiness and usefulness than the early subjection of the the will. If you determine that you will always have your own will, you will certainly be unhappy; for it is impossible that you should always have your own way. But if you early accustom yourself to give up your own will; to submit to the will of God, as made known to you in his word and Providence, -to submit to your parents, as those whom God has set over you, and to your own conscience, as the faithful monitor which God has placed in your own bosom, -them you will be as happy as you can be in this imperfect state. This you cannot accomplish all at once. It must be the result of experience, trial, and discipline, with the grace of God in your heart. But if you begin to cultivate the habit of submission, in early life, it will save you many a severe struggle and much unhappiness. You have doubtless learned, before this time, that you always get into difficulty at home, when you set out to have your own will. And perhaps you have sometimes, in your impatience at contradiction secretly wished that you were of age. beyond the control of your parents, that you might do as you pleased. But I assure you, both from my own experience and from what I have seen of the world, that you will not find it any easier to have your own will, after you come to act for yourself. You will not succeed in any thing you undertake to do for others, unless you give up your own will; neither will you succeed in making society agreeable to yourself. Suppose you go to a shoemaker, to get a pair of shoes made, and as soon as you begin to tell him how you wish them done, he answers, "I understand my business; if you want a pair of shoes, I'll make them for you, but nobody can teach me how to do my work?" You would say, "He is a surly creature; I'll have nothing to do with him." Or, suppose you go into company, and you find a young lady who will consent to nothing except what she herself proposes; you say, "She is a selfish creature; let her enjoy herself alone." But all this comes from mere willfulness. You will never be comfortable, mush less happy, till you are willing to yield to others, when no principle is concerned, but only the mere gratification of your own will. And when one is employed by another, it is perfectly reasonable that he should be directed by his employer, even if what he is directed to do may appear to him unwise. The only way that you can succeed, and be happy, in anything you may undertake to do for others, is, to submit your will to theirs, and do cheerfully, and without objection, what they require - provided, only, that they do not require you to do wrong. If you will look back, you will find that this willfulness has been the cause of all the trouble you have got into with your parents, and of nearly all the altercations you have had with you brothers, sisters, and companions. And, if you retain this disposition, it will make you miserable, whatever station in society you may occupy."

In essence, if we want to truly be happy, we must learn to put what we want on the back burner and learn to serve others. Now this doesn't mean that we have to turn ourselves into virtual doormats, but it does mean that we must put others before ourselves. This includes parents, siblings, friends, acquaintances, fellow church members, yes, even God.

God tells us His will for our lives in His word. He even says that we are not to plan our future because He already knows what's going to happen and His way is better than anything we could plan for (Proverbs 27.1 and Jeremiah 29.11).

If we can learn to be submissive toward God and His plan, it will be so much easier for us to live submissively toward our families and friends.

Who's in Control?

This week has really gotten away from me. It seems like no matter how carefully I plan my day, something always happens and my "To Do" list sprouts little wings and flies out the window. Life happens (as we all know) and some things just have to be pushed aside.

My "To Do" list seems to get longer every day. I have a mountain of sewing to do (with deadlines!), a cleaning schedule to keep track of, meals to get on the table, three books I'm in the process of reading, a baby blanket to finish, a journal to fill, personal Bible study, a painting to work on, a little sister who wants to learn how to sew, and blog posts to write. Have I worked on all of these things? Unfortunately, no.

Why can't I seem to get everything done? Well, one day we'll have unexpected company and the next there will be last minute trips to the doctor. Maybe errands take longer than planned or my lesson plans that I worked so hard on don't go as planned. Dinner doesn't turn out and it takes forever to clean up the mess - whatever the case may be, NOTHING has been working the way I want it too!!!

After about a week of complete frustration I finally just broke down. I had been running around like crazy but I didn't seem to be accomplishing anything. My whole body was worn out and I just couldn't function anymore.

Yesterday morning I woke up in a bad mood. I was just so irritated I couldn't see straight. Here I have all of this stuff to do and it's halfway through the week and I haven't done any of it! I slung myself out of bed and stomped my way downstairs to breakfast. With out even a "Good morning" I started setting the table not really caring if the dishes rattled as I carelessly put them on the table. I won't go into details, but I will say that I was very unkind to my family during breakfast.

After everything was cleared away I went back to my room to vent my frustration. I pulled out my laptop and started browsing through the blogs that I follow. I came across an article in one of them that you can read at http://thevalueofone.com/?p=1809. I read it several times and each time I was more amazed at how it spelled out everything that I have been going through.

This article made me realize that I have been trying to handle all of these situations on my own. I never thought to ask God to help me through them. At times I have been labeled a "control freak" and in many ways that is true. I like things to go the way I have them planned out in my head and I like them to happen now, not tomorrow or next week or next month. NOW.

When things don't work the way I want them to I get headaches, I pace up and down, wave my arms in the air and in some cases my tongue moves a mile a minute (my poor mother's ears!). You can imagine how I felt after about a week of this. I was wound up so tight I was about to bust!

But, yesterday morning as I lay on my bed reading I realized how helpless I really am. I can do nothing without God. If I really were in control...heaven help us! I wouldn't last two seconds! But, for some reason I think that I am in control and I tend to go through life as if I really am. Thankfully, God is showing me that no matter how much I plan and schedule, He has the final say. Unfortunately, we often differ in opinion.

So from now on, when something happens to mess up my plans I just need to remember to say a prayer asking for patience and thanking God that He is in control. And then there's the hard part - picking myself up and carrying on with a cheerful attitude.

Sabbath Reflections

1 Corinthians 12.1-11

Now concerning spiritual gifts, brothers, I do not want you to be uninformed. You know that when you were pagans you were led astray to mute idols, however you were led. Therefore I want you to understand that no one speaking in the Spirit of God ever says, "Jesus is accursed!" and no one can say "Jesus is Lord" except in the Holy Spirit.

Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. For to one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another the utterance of knowledge according to the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the ability to distinguish between spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues. All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as he wills.

Becoming A Woman Of Excellence

A woman of excellence

Is what I long to be

Filled with Your godly wisdom

So it is a part of me

A woman of integrity

No matter what I face

Standing up for righteousness

And for Your saving grace

A woman of destiny

Living out Your plan

Knowing where You'd have me walk

Being guided by Your hand

A woman of promise

Standing on Your word

Holding on to all the truths

While carrying out Your work

A woman of compassion

For the ones in the dark

Those that do not know Your love

And have darkness in their hearts

A woman that will never

Compromise the faith

With what the world may offer

But will keep the narrow way

A woman who loves Jesus

And will only follow Him

Gladly to give up the world

So His light can shine within

Lord this is my earnest prayer

As a daughter by Your grace

Grow in me these qualities

As I walk with You in faith

~M.S. Lowndes~

Home Again

He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.

Psalm 23

And so, the camping trip comes to an end. We had a great time together. It was a great to spend time with family without cell phones or Internet to distract us. I feel very rested and ready to tackle another busy week.

As usual, I was ready with my camera to capture the weekend. I think everyone got a little tired of turning around to find a camera in their face, but they'll thank me one day!

Here's just a few of the pictures I took.

We decided to take our Maltipoo, Elly, with us this time. I think this was her favorite part!

Sarah taking a break from setting up camp.

After we were all set up we went for a walk. I found these flowers beside the trail. Aren't they pretty?

These butterflies were so nice and stood still for a picture!

Our walk took us to the little country store on the camp ground. They had a lot of neat stuff, but of course, we were a little distracted by the ice cream!

Cooking Country Fried Steak over a HOT fire.

It started to rain so we turned the trailer into the "kitchen".

My coffee. Okay, I know it's strange to take a picture of your coffee, but you have no idea how much I love coffee! A friend once asked me if I were stranded on a deserted island what three things would I want to have with me? I answered: my Bible, a hairbrush, and a lifetime supply of coffee!

Sarah and Dad after breakfast.

Mom and me.

Elly

We had a really bad thunderstorm one night, so we threw everything into the trailer and camped out in the truck. Thankfully, it wasn't as bad as predicted and no damage was done.

The "Hillbilly Hotel" as Dad called it.

Really, I only have one regret about the whole trip. Apparently, no one thought to tell me that I am a walking blood bank. I think every mosquito in the state came for a free sample. Despite my many efforts, the first night I acquired around 40 bug bites from my knees down. There are more on my arms, hands, and neck, but it's to depressing to count them. Sarah says my legs look like I have leprosy. Needless to say, I'm not to thrilled about looking like I have a dreaded disease, but she's right, it's looks pretty bad. It's kind of frustrating that no one else had a problem with them though. I guess I must taste better...

"How beautiful upon the mountains..." Isaiah 52.7

Tomorrow we head for the mountains. I can't wait. One of the advantages of growing up in the Tennessee Valley is that no matter where you are the mountains aren't very far away. In fact, most places, you can almost always see them. There's the Appalachians on the east and the Cumberland on the west. Since we live in the east corner of the Valley, we always go up to the Appalachians.

It's funny. Ever since I was little I've had the strange notion that these were my mountains. Like, God put them there just for me. Silly, I know. I guess that's what comes with growing up so close to them. Every time we go up I get this giddy little girl feeling. I suppose you could call it sensory overload. All of that majestic beauty and God put it all there for me!

My family goes to the mountains quite a bit since they are so close. However, most times we just drive around, stop and have a picnic, and then come home. We are expert drive arounders!

Camping, on the other hand, is a different story. We've only ever really gone camping (aside from us kids sleeping out in the back yard) 3 or 4 times that I can remember. We always enjoy it when we go, but for what ever reason, it doesn't happen very often.

Since going camping is such a rare event, preparing for it is quite interesting. Over the years my family has aquired the reputation of going overboard with regard to packing. Or perhaps you could say that we take our travels very seriously and take everything that we could possibly need for every possible situation that could possibly ever happen. I've been making out lists of the things we need to take and it keeps getting longer and longer. We always do our own cooking when we're away from home and the kitchen/food list that I've made so far covers an entire sheet of copy paper.

My Dad is the expert packer in our family. He pieces everything all together just like a puzzle and somehow it always fits together perfectly. He's also one of those people who is very fond of order. Everything is always in its place and organized so that everything is easily reached. It is for this reason (and because we have so much stuff) that we are packing everything, not in our truck, but in the trailer. When I found this out, I had to laugh. Our big trailer that we use to cart our concession business around has now been emptied into the garage and awaiting our enormous supply of camping gear. At least no one can accuse us of not being prepared!

And so, the packing frenzy continues as we make more lists and try to find everything on them and make sure they make it on the trailer. So far, we've spent the entire day on the kitchen. Whenever we finish that it's on to bath things, clothes, etc. I can't wait to get on that mountain and just sit and relax!

Daughters of Destiny

Long before the present battle

There was prophesied a day

Tinkling words, impov'rished prattle

Itching ears to hearts would sway.

In that day of broken marriage.

Femininity's demise,

Ladies lost their life and carriage.

All were "smart," but none were wise.

Rose up Mistress Amazonia

Warring women lead with mirth.

Most forgot the Pauline proverb,

"She'll be saved through childbirth."

Off to war went the daughters.

Left behind the men and babes.

Noble womanhood was slaughtered.

Craving freedom, became slaves.

Rise up Hannah - listen, here it!

Maidenhood's the royal throne,

Of those women, true of spirit,

Loving heaven, hearth, and home.

Rise up Hannah - others follow.

You will not proceed alone

And the victory's not hollow

When the truth is set in stone.

From the ashes of a culture

That knew God, but now knows none

Generations rose to prosper,

Forged by light from His true Son.

Taught at home, but raised for warfare,

Not the steel and fleshy kind,

But the battle that is more fair,

When the Spirit girds the mind.

Now there stands a breed of woman

Strong of mind and content of heart.

Cherishing the ancient virtues,

And from them will not depart:

Love of truth, and love of mother;

Purity; the Word of God;

Holiness to one another,

Homes to build, and keep, and laud.

Rise up Hannah - here's God's token,

That your youth has passed the test.

Three-fold strands will not be broken.

In thy sisters' friendship rest.

Rise up Hannah - happy sister.

Sarah's friend, Rebecca's love,

Sisters three, your God has given

Tender hearts knit from above.

Stand they now this generation

Birthed by hearts which turned to home;

Fathers who have changed direction

Mothers who no longer roam.

And the future is a bright one,

If to vision you will cleave

And will not trade God's truth for some

Mess of pottage known as ease.

Prepare to hear the heathen grumble,

Steel yourself to their complaint

Cynics moan and basely mumble

Gnash their teeth, but they will faint.

They will faint, and will not follow

For you tread the narrow road.

And in it's tread will chew and swallow

Selfish seeds unjustly sewn.

In the end, the Lord will vanquish

Vanquish them, but vindicate

All who love Christ's ancient order

And enter in the narrow gate.

Rise up Hannah - faithful daughter.

Onward Maiden to the quest.

You who called your mother blessed,

Someday shall in kind be blessed.

Rise up Hannah - to your station!

Daughter fair of destiny.

Light the path for generations.

Raise the torch of liberty.

Douglas W. Phillips

Verses of Virtue

The "Question"

The "question". Maybe it would be better if I said THE question. We've all been asked this question at some point in our lives. People word it different ways, but it usually goes something like, "Where do you go to school?", "Where do you work?", or the ever popular, "What do you do?". This question has the ability to effect us in a variety of ways. Our hands itch, our stomachs feel like they're going to fly away, and the gift of speech seems to fly the coop. Why do we feel this way? Most likely the person is just trying to be polite by expressing an interest in what we do. The problem is, many people don't understand what we do or why. There are a few who even go so far as to mock us.


Mockery. Not a fun thing when you're on the recieving end of it. I, being the people-pleaser that I am, tend to shy away from people that I feel will not have any difficulty in advertising their opinion of my convictions to the general public. Mockery is a powerful thing. It hurts the most when it comes from people you respect. When I decided to leave school and stay at home, the hardest part of the decision was knowing that I would be showered with questions. I knew that some would understand and respect my decision and others wouldn't, but it still hurt when friends and even family would give me "the look" and try to argue me back into the "real world".


It hurts. No one likes to feel as though they are different or odd so we come up with ways to "protect" ourselves. It is so easy for us to forget that "Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake," and when someone asks THE question we panic and go into defense mode. We talk down about ourselves and give the impression that we're ashamed of staying at home. We make it seem like staying at home is no big deal or perhaps we give the impression that it's only temporary. I have to fight the urge to simply stare at my feet as I conjure up pitiful responses like, "Well, I'm just staying at home right now...helping Mom around the house, you know."


This is absolutely the worst response we could possibly give to anyone. God has called women to play very important role and when we pretend to be ashamed of this calling we give a bad testimony to others and we dishonor God and His Word.

Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may recieve what is promised..."but my righteous one shall live by faith, and if he shrinks back, my soul has no pleasure in him." But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls.

Hebrews 10. 35,36,38,39

In choosing to stay at home, we are choosing to follow God's perfect plan for our lives. Why then should we be ashamed of it? We have scripture on our side. God tells us that a virtuous woman, "looks well to the ways of her household." (Proverbs 31.27) How can we do this if we spend the majority of our time outside of the household?

It is foolish to assume that everyone will respond negatively. Many times someone has asked me what I do and as I respond I brace myself for the very worst. My mind starts spinning and the butterflies begin to rise into my throat as I force out my reply only to be met with a glowing and positive response. It makes me feel terribly silly. We need to realize that though we are going against the norm that modern society has laid before us, we are following God's perfect plan for our lives. It is foolish to think that God's Word will meet with nothing but negativity.

We are daughters of the King of Kings who are striving to live our lives in such a way that is pleasing in His sight. What then do we have to be ashamed of? We can hold our heads high as we tell people about our calling. We are simply striving to follow His perfect plan with the Scriptures as our guide. If we can gracefully and unashamedly communicate God's truth to the people we interact with, they will be far less likely to respond to our calling with negativity.

Operation Organization

I have come to the realization that in order for me to accomplish anything profitable during my day I am going to have to schedule it all out. This day is nearly half over and I feel as though I haven't really done much of anything. Morning devotions, a couple chapters of Austen, breakfast, chatting with Mama, straightening up the house, and sitting on the back porch delicately sipping my coffee wondering which of the many projects I have whirling around in my brain should be accomplished today. (You know those people who have lots of great ideas and start many different things, but have a hard time finishing what they start? Yeah...that would be me.) There are so many different things I want to do and for some bizarre reason (the answer for which seems to be unknown to the human race) I feel the need to do them all at the same time. How is this possible? Well...it isn't. This is why I have about 5 unfinished needlework projects in my basket, a quilt that I've been working on for about 6 years (and no, it's not that big), a book list with about 15 books labled "started, but not finished", a dress that has been cut out and is sitting in a drawer with the pattern still pinned to it, 4 chapters of what was going to be a 400 page novel stashed away in a deep dark corner of my computers, and....well, you get the idea. My room is the warehouse for all of my unfinished projects. Make that an unorganized warehouse!

Organization is not something that comes naturally to me. It is a painful process. I'm one of those people that can easily appear to be organized, but in all reality I'm so scattered that half the time I don't know which way is up. (It is for this reason that my closet door stays shut and my dresser and vanity drawers are off limits.) Even my Bible is suffering from my lack of organization. If you pick it up the wrong way a shower of papers littered with my scribblings will baptize the floor. I find it quite easy to sit and sip my coffee while imagining how wonderful it would be to have my life organized and operating in a comfortable sense of regularity. Although, if life could just learn how to organize itself that would be even more wonderful.

Not only do my things need to be organized, but I feel the need to organize my activity as well. As I said, it is so easy for me to just sit and relax while making a mental note of everything that needs to be done. At the end of the day usually only half of these things actually end up being crossed off the list. Either I forgot about them (my memory has a habit of losing track of the things which I don't really want to do!) or I found something else to do that seemed more profitable or more enjoyable to me at the time - the latter being the most likely case. I've written out a cleaning schedule for the entire family and for the most part, we follow it. (Although, I have gotten a little behind this week...)

However, while I am able to stay on top of the cleaning and keep track of the housework, everything else is still suffering. So I asked myself, what is it that motivates me to do the scheduled cleaning? The answer proves that I am an extreemely visual person. I made up a sheet with my daily chores listed for every day of the week. Next to each task is a box for me to check it off when I've finished. (My favorite one to check off is the bathroom!) I have this list taped up on my wall in a spot where I have to look at it mutiple times every day. This way, my faulty memory doesn't have the chance to "forget" anything. I recently discovered that I need to move the list to a different location in my room about once a week. If it stays in one spot for too long I get used to it being there and I don't ever look at it - kind of defeating the purpose. There's something about seeing that list up there with all those empty boxes waiting to be filled with little check marks that motivates me to get up and get it all done as quickly as possible. That little row of check marks may seem insignificant, but it brings a great sense of satisfaction to me.

So, now I am applying the same principle to everything else. I am making a checklist for everything that needs to be accomplished each day - cleaning, Bible study, reading (specifying which book so I can actually finish one!), writing, sewing/needlework (specifying which project!), people I need to call or email, cooking, ect. and so forth. God gave me 24 hours in a day so the least I can do is use them in a profitable way. If making a list of everything is what I have to do, then so be it. Seems a little radical, I know, but something has to be done and this was the first idea that popped into my head. We'll try it and see how it goes. I am going to become an organized person if it kills me. Now I just have to motivate myself to make the list... :)

College: Why I Chose to Come Back Home

Like many people, I haven't always believed that a daughter's place is in the home under her father's protection. Neither did my dad. We were both convinced that it was important for me to get that little slip of paper with a B.A. printed on it for future security. Did I want a degree? Not really. I had no idea what in the word I'd do with it once I got it. All I knew was that if anything ever happened to Daddy or to my future husband, I would be able to support a family. I've never really been the "career woman" type. The thought of getting up and going to an eight hour job every day for the rest of my life has always made me shiver. Kind of like putting on the same outfit every day - never changing, just the same old grind. I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to get my B.A., get married, settle down to raise a family and forget I'd ever gotten the degree. It would be there just in case I ever needed it, but I had no intentions of using it otherwise. So, I enrolled in college. I didn't have a choice. After all, if you want to be able to function at all in this world you need a college degree, right? Of course, it isn't acceptable to just get the degree and be done with it. It is absolutely imperative that you get a job after graduation. You do want to DO something with you life don't you? All of these things were pressing down on me from all sides. Culture, friends, family, even the church was telling me that in order to have a meaningful life I had to do the very thing I dreaded.

Okay, back up about four years. See that little house up on the hill there? No, not that one. The cream colored one with the rose colored shutters. The one with the little jersey steer in the pasture beside it. Yes, that one. That was my family's little farm. We had cows, chickens. dogs, and at one point we had a horse and a whole family of rabbits. Oh, see that girl coming out of the house? Doesn't she look pretty in the mint green dress? Well, it's kind of hard to see with that apron covering it, but it really is pretty. She made it herself, you know. I bet you can't guess who that girl is. That was me when I was 13. No really, it was. I was a completely different girl then. Dresses, skirts, aprons, all of which my mother and I had made, filled my closet. If I remember right, that green dress was the first one I ever made entirely by myself. I was a very "girly" girl. I loved to read, sew, help Mama in the kitchen, and "tea time" was my favorite time of day. I loved (still do!) ribbons and lace, fine linens and doilies, and anything else that helped to define the word "elegant". College was the furthest thing from my mind. I don't even recall thinking about it before I was 16. I had my life all planned out. Things were going to stay exactly the way they were (with the small exception of a husband and living in my own house of course!).

Sad to say, I had to pay a price for these things. I was the different girl in the crowd. I looked different, I acted different, and I wasn't about to change. Most girls didn't like me because of it. I'll never forget a girl looking me over with disgust written all over her face. When she was through with her inspection she looked down her nose and proceeded to tell me in a biting tone of voice that I looked like something straight out of a 100 year-old magazine. With a final little toss of her head, she glided triumphantly away to join her posse of friends that were a huddled in the corner. I was devastated. The words themselves didn't bother me since I knew for a fact that I didn't look like I came out a 100 year-old magazine. (I don't think ladies wore denim skirts back then!) It was the tone and the utter disgust that this girl had expressed toward me. Was I really that repulsive to people? I knew that I was different and had different tastes and desires than most people, but I'd never really thought anything of it. I knew that was the way God had made me. He had put those tastes and desires in my heart and I knew that He wouldn't have done it if He didn't have a reason for it. But that one girl, with her stinging remarks, put the seed of doubt in my heart. If I was that repulsive to her, maybe everyone else felt the same way but didn't show it as she did. (Note: I have always been a terrible people-pleaser.) I seemed to be the only one with these feminine or "girly" desires so maybe there was something wrong with me.

Okay, fast forward. See that huge clock tower poking it's head over the trees? No, that one belongs to a church. The other one over there behind it. See? That's the local Christian university. There are nearly five thousand students there. It's a small place, as universities go. Not much happens that the whole school doesn't find out about in a matter of days. See that girl on the sidewalk? Sorry, there's a bunch of girls on the sidewalk. I'll point her out to you. The one with the tattered jeans and sneakers. Oh wait, there are several of those. Um...the one wearing the striped shirt. No, that one. The one carrying the big blue bag. Yeah, that one. Would you believe that's me? Changed quite a bit haven't I? This was near the end of my first month in college. That first month was rough. In one short month, my life was turned upside down. I was a completely different person within weeks of the first day of school. Why? Well, I'll get to that.

I started college with the idea that I was just going to get that little slip of paper and then get out as quickly as possible, unscathed by the "college experience". I was still living at home since the university was only a twenty minute drive from the house. Convinced that nothing in my life was going to change except for being gone part of the day and having homework at night, I drove off to college in my little white Honda wearing a denim skirt and heels. (Note: I have absolutely nothing against pants. There are times when I actually prefer them to a skirt. I simply choose to wear skirts because I find them comfortable and they make me feel feminine.) Little did I (or my parents) know, I was in for a devastating culture shock.

My parents had always taught me about "the world". I knew all about the sinful desires and practices that the world endorses, but I didn't fully understand how bad it really was. Nor did I realize how easy it was to fall into without even realizing. This time it wasn't just one girl who made fun of me, but it was nearly everyone I came into contact with. Not that I wasn't accepted. I had a circle of friends, but the all teased me endlessly about my dress and "lack of experience". I didn't know the names of their favorite places to shop, had never seen any of the movies of TV shows they quizzed me about, and their ipods were filled with music that was completely foreign to me. It was more than my people-pleasing nature could stand. I began to transform myself into a more "acceptable" kind of girl. I began to buy tight and revealing clothes and I "expanded" my exposure to different types of media, most of which I wouldn't recommend to anyone. I did everything that I was "supposed" to do. I dressed the way I was "supposed" to even though I found the clothes uncomfortable. I listened to the music I was "supposed" to like even though it gave me a headache. I watched the movies and the shows that I was "supposed" to watch even though I found them trashy and rather stupid. after doing everything I was "supposed" to do for several weeks, I started getting used to it. I came to see these things as "normal" because, after all, everyone else does it and they're good people aren't they? This is a Christian university so it can't be that bad can it? I began to value these people who were teaching me the ways of the world more than I did my own family. I completely rebelled against my parent's authority. My dad and I got into numerous fights over silly things like my curfew. I convinced myself that my parents were the source of all my problems. The things that I said about them to their faces and behind their backs are too terrible to mention. I completely neglected my little sister who looked up to me and copied everything I did. Needless to say, she soon began to follow in my footsteps. I learned how to flirt and get my way in a crowd. I heard language and saw behavior that eventually didn't bother me because it was "normal". I got called horrible names that demean women in the most horrific way only to be told that "it was just a joke". It was normal. Get used to it. Eventually, I did get used to it, and I started participating in it. I stopped praying and reading my Bible. I still went to church because I didn't have a choice, but I'd made up my mind that I wasn't listening to the sermon. I wanted to blend in with the crowd - to be like all the other girls. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to be a powerful woman with a powerful job. I wanted, I wanted, I wanted...but deep down none of this made me happy. I was still that 13 year-old girl in the green dress and ribbons. She's been pushed aside and told she was worthless, but in the back of my mind she was still there. She reminded me of how happy and content I used to be. A far cry from the girl that was groping around in the fog of "the word" trying to find something to latch onto so that she could be deemed "normal". For months, I carried on like this, trying desperately to conform myself to the model of womanhood that was presented to me by the world. I was miserable and I couldn't understand why. Here I am trying to model myself after all of these other girls. They seem so happy and bubbly. Why am I so miserable?

Toward the end of my first year, God began working on me. that girl in the green dress started coming back into my mind more and more. Slowly, my eyes were beginning to open, and what I saw shocked me. As the fog began to clear, I looked at my friends and I realized how shallow their friendship really was. They were only my friends because I had changed myself into who they wanted me to be, because I did and said the same things they did, and because I was helping them to justify the sin we were all participating in. I saw the hypocrisy that I'd been blind to. These people were professed Christians. To my mind, that meant that everything they did must be okay. It took a year of wallowing in the world for me to realize that just isn't true.

For the first time, I began to see myself for what I really was: a hopeless sinner who had fallen so deep that I wasn't sure that even God could help me out. I thought I was stuck. After all, I still needed that piece of paper and this was the only way to get it. Even if I could somehow crawl out of the mess I'd gotten myself into, I would still have to be around the same people, the same influences, and the same temptations every day. I'd already been taken in once and I knew that it could very easily happen again. I began to talk to my parents about other educational options. They were so thankful that I'd finally realized what a fool I'd been and we all agreed that I probably wouldn't be going back to that particular school. We discussed several options and finally decided that I would take summer classes at the community college. I did and within a week I saw that I would have the same problems no matter which school I went to. As this realization began to sink in, the girl in the green dress started coming back into view. I missed that girl. I missed how happy and contented she was. Most importantly, I missed her innocence. Her naivety was something that I knew that I could never regain. In fact, I wasn't sure that I wanted to. That naivety was partially what got me into trouble in the first place. But the innocence was something that I did want. I yearned for the purity of a sound mind and a clear conscience, something I hadn't had in a very long time. I began to think about what the girl in the green dress had that I didn't have. Why was she so happy and I wasn't? I had turned back to God and His Word, my relationship with my family was beginning to be repaired, and I had begun to get back into sewing and other things that I love but just hadn't had the time for. Still, things just didn't seem right.

Fast forward to today. See that house? No, it's not the same little house on the hill. This is a different one. This one's bigger and brown with black shutters. See it? See that girl up there cleaning one of the upstairs windows? Bet you can't guess who that is. It's me. Yes, I know it's Monday, but I'm here at home helping Mama keep house. My family and I have been through quite a journey to get to this point. There was a lot of heartache involved for each of us. We realized that we were taken in by the word's notion that a college degree is the answer to your problems. If you have a degree you can make more money. If you have a degree it's easier to get a good job. If you have a degree you can be whatever you want to be and do whatever you want to do. (I can give many examples of how these statements are not true.) I found out the hard way that college was not the answer to my problems. In fact, it caused more problems than I could have ever thought possible.

The decision for me to stay at home was voted unanimous by all parties. There was only one condition that Daddy gave: I had to come up with some way to make good use of my time. (Aside from being a people-pleaser, I have also acquired the reputation of being slightly lazy. only slightly...) So, I promised to make good use of my time and that was that. I've been home ever since and I absolutely love it. I help Mama with the house and the cooking, attempting to keep everything as organized as possible. I run a private taxi service for my younger sister, and I finally have time to indulge in my hobbies. I've also begun to teach piano lessons so that I can contribute to the family economy. The time that I get to spend with my family now is absolutely fabulous. I have learned so much from them and I feel like we are closer now than we've ever been. I've also had more time to spend studying the Bible. God has revealed so much to me lately through His Word. The knowledge and understanding of God's truth is such a peaceful and freeing thing. Serving God, my family, and others through my home brings me such joy. I know that I am living out the plan that God intended for women. To earn how to love and respect her husband by loving and respecting her father, to learn how to nurture children and run a house by helping her mother, and to learn how to be a woman of godly character from both.

As I look back on my college experience, it is amazing to me how evident God's hand is in everything that took place. The doors opened for me to go to college. It basically reached out and grabbed me. The people that I met and the experiences I had were all God-intended to make me realize that His plan for me is far better than anything the world can come up with. He created the home and He gave me parents for a reason. That reason was that He knew that I needed guidance and protection from the world and from the selfish desires of my own heart. I guess He decided that I needed to learn that lesson the hard way.

Although it was a painful experience, I'm glad God put it in my life. It is something I will never forget. Whenever my rebellious and selfish spirit begins to rise inside of me, I will always have the memory of what happened the last time I decided to do things my way. I will always remember the misery and confusion that I encountered out in "the real world". The memory of the drifting sensation that came with a lack of purpose is something that will stay with me forever.

Now, I have a purpose. I was created to be a wife and mother living for the Lord. What better place to learn than right in my own home?

Welcome to My Blog!!!

I never thought that I would ever have a blog. Partly because I never thought I'd have the time for it, but mostly because having other people read the things I write has always intimidated me. I always cringed whenever my mom made me write a paper for school. Not because I didn't like to write (I've aways loved it!), but because I knew that she'd want to read it when I'd finished it. (Imagine that!!!!) There were times that I even tried to convince her to just trust me that it was a good paper and go ahead and give me an A without reading. Needless to say, my efforts were fruitless. Thankfully, over the years the shyness over others reading my work has begun to wear off. It's still not completely gone, but the sick feeling in my stomach and the urge to run and lock myself (and my scribblings) in some dark, forbidden closet no longer haunts me.

Another reason I never thought I'd have a blog is that famous question that seemed to be stamped on my brain: What do I have to write about???? Well, that question still bothers me a little bit, but I've decided that it's not a valid excuse. Everyone has something to share. Every living, breathing human being is filled with a multitude of stories that can be used to fill others with encouragment, knowlege, and inspiration. I wish my great-grandma had kept a journal or had somehow documented things about her life. I would forever treasure to have the opportunity to learn from her experiences as a newlywed at the dawn of the Depression. My family tells many stories about Grandma Stewart, but it's not the same as it would be to hear from her. So many people are like me - they are either too scared to write or they just don't know how to get it out on paper. Little do they realize what an impact they could make in other people's lives just by telling their story. No matter how simple a story it is you can still glean little tidbits of truth and inspiration from it.

This is why I have decided to start this blog. I have a story to tell. I have experiences to share and Biblical truths that have been opened up to me through God's Word and also through others that I am just DYING to share with someone. Life is simply stuffed with lessons that we can learn from if we only look for them. Sometimes God is trying to teach us something and we don't even see it. For me, when I do see what God is doing I simply HAVE to tell somebody. I may be shy about writing, but talking is a completely different story!!! (My mom sometimes refers to me as "Gabby". I think it's usually a hint for me to shut up and get back to work!) That's what I hope to use this blog for - to share my experiences and the things that God shows me during my daily walk with Him. I share these things in the hope that, in some small way, you can learn from them as I do.

So, welcome to my blog and I hope you enjoy it!